This topic is very controversial. Before I discuss, i want to tell a story that was happened between me and my friend. She was actually a lesbian. We met her since we were in middle school. She was so much attractive and she frankly told me about her sexual orientation since that time. No one could predict what she liked as she was really famous of her richness and beauty.
When we were separated after high school, I got to university of medicine 2. She then transferred to a district because her parents were government servants. At that time, we made conversations with phone at first, but later, we didn’t even chat. Social media were not quite famous at that time. But she never failed to do one thing, which was sending me a letter every month. But I never replied to her because i was so proud of myself being a medical student and i was so much busy. A teenager’s ego made us more separated, probably. But I remembered whenever she talked about Christmas, her eyes were so glazed and the way she sang Carol singing was really beautiful. But, I forgot them all till I got a boyfriend in first year mid-term. It was just 16 yrs of age.
When I met her again, I eventually became a house surgeon. It was a chaotic afternoon when we met by chance in front of Scot market in Yangon. She asked me ” Lynn, Is that you?”. I confessed that I really couldn’t remember her. She was such a beautiful queen when we were in state, but now, her features looked like older than her age, her skin got darker, her eyes showed her stress or worries about something I couldn’t imagine. But her smiles and her dimples still got attractive. I said ” You?”..! That’s all.! Because at that time, her husband arrived and she just introduced me with her guy and said goodbye. That’s all. And again, I forgot that evening. I was just a bit surprised that she got married to a man as she confessed me before that she didn’t like men. The past followed her as a shadow. She was a victim of child abuse since young, her parents didn’t even know about that.
The last time…! It was..the last time when I met her in a hospital. I was doing my internship in Obstetrics and Gynaecology ward. I was so much busy, doing ward round, making changes, going to labour room, delivering the child, and at that moment, I never forgot, that a nurse called my name seriously to check around a newly admitted patient. I just entered to the emergency room, and what I found was a pale flower getting circulatory shock. I smelled something strange …then checked all things and managed as needed and informed to seniors but i only knew my eyes were full with tears and my hands were getting tremor. We asked the blood from Blood bank during resuscitation. It was very late when she was admitted. She was not totally comatose, but she knew it was me. Do you know a patient with Zero blood pressure can sometimes behave and talk like normal people when they were in Shock stage? She said she was happy to see me like a doctor. Operation Theatre was ready during reviving her, but needed to increase her BP first before surgery. She had Ectopic Pregnancy which is a pregnancy outside uterus, and it was located in uterine tube. During a short moment, round about 15 minutes of resuscitation, she smiled back to me for three times at least. Then, a beautiful flower died on my hands.
It was about four years ago that happened like this. And i cried all days and nights after her death. I wore a red dress to her funeral. I spread the red roses on her body. I kissed a pale flower’s forehead with the last goodbye. When i got back from her funeral, I remembered to check out a bag. That big bag had several letters that she had sent to me which i never opened it. I made the reasons that i was busy to check it out and i thought she got settle with her marriage and it was just the remembrance letters. But when i opened all the letters, i felt it was too late to correct my mistakes.
In that letters, she described her parents forced to marry a guy because their debts were so much and it was the only way to escape from the debts. I didn’t know why her richness gone! And in a letter it said that the factory they owned got burnt by fire and her dad’s got stroke. And a letter 6 months apart from that described that she would get married. And i was cordially invited to her wedding. It was like watching how things were happened on a screen.
Until I opened a letter, i didn’t feel guilty.
I remembered it was the Christmas when she gone. And that letter was the exceptional one and strange one than other letters as it was wrapped in a Christmas paper. When i opened that, i could feel the sense of Christmas freshness. I even felt her smile when she sang carol singing. It was a Christmas card with the date back to my final year student life. The card was still new. When i opened it, a song appeared. I cried. Because that song was the one she used to sing.
Then the two sentences she wrote to me won’t be fade forever in my memory.
She said :
“Thank you for being a friend with me. Do you remember what i say to you when we were in high school.? That the girl i seriously love and she won’t ever know my feeling on her? You will feel surprised, i hope. No matter how weird, it is the one who opens this card”.
My visions got blurred. My silence got noisy with hurt. The only thing i got is Regret.
I ever failed to check the letters she sent. And it was the biggest mistake that i couldn’t correct again. I didn’t know how to comment on being a homosexual, and i didn’t realise myself what is my perception on that. I didn’t discriminate to them, sure, but i didn’t recognise their feelings as well because i thought it wasn’t an ordinary thing and really ashamed to be like this.
As I get older, i finally realise that everyone is deserved with the name called ” Humans” as long as they don’t do any cruel matters, and show inhumanity. Whatever a person is a gay or straight or lesbian or bi or transexual, the truth is we all have gods and faith. We can’t prove the existence of god scientifically, but we can believe his existence. Likewise, the sexual orientation is the mindset and it is individual preference. It is not an offence nor a criminal. Everyone can be different as this is human rights.
I didn’t realise my feeling on her. But the thing is i felt hurt every time I saw red colour. You know red is her favourite colour, red is her usual blouse she wore, red meant her braveness, red was a metaphor of Christmas, red was the wine she ever drink in Christmas, red was her blood spread on my forearms when she got admitted to hospital, red was the final goodbye of her existence, red was my regret.
All people are borne with equal dignity and rights. I didn’t recognise her feelings on me and I could felt my disgusting sense of dislike on her feelings. However, whenever December arrives, I can hear the way she sings with a red blouse. Her smiles are my regrets. Her songs are my ignorance. Redness always make my pain worse. She was just a white friend, but a red rosy of my rhyme.
May god bless you dear.